Ep. 133: Defining Boundaries with Terri Cole, Psychotherapist and Founder of Boundary Bootcamp™

On this episode of Health Gig, we welcome Terri Cole, a New York-based licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, and founder of Terri Cole’s Real Love Revolution™ & Terri Cole’s Boundary Bootcamp™. Over the last twenty years, Terri has counseled the world’s most renowned personalities, ranging from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs, and empowered over 100,000 women every week through her social media platforms and extensive online community. Her work deals with revolutionizing practical psychology, practicing eastern mindfulness techniques, and harnessing the power of intention to fuel personal transformation. She has been featured as an expert therapist and master life coach on A&E’s Monster In-Laws, TED X, The Lisa Oz Show, and Real Housewives among many others.

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Show Notes

[1:04] I think that, you know, we do teach what we most need to learn. [...] I was the fourth daughter in a family with a dad who probably should have had some sons that probably would have been better for him. And so I felt like I had a lot to prove in my life, sort of my coming up, you know, I was like, I'm going to be more successful than any dumb son.
[5:06] And this is when I really started doing a lot of therapeutic work on myself, realizing that I really have the disease to please a lot of external validation, seeking, not wanting to let anyone down. So, of course, ultimately you end up letting lots of people down when you do that.
[5:25] And if you are a boundary disaster, that is hard to do because you're so busy people-pleasing that it's impossible to keep your word.
[6:13] I was done with my career because I had become too healthy to stay in this … It was really kind of a toxic swamp to a degree, because in the end of my career, I was negotiating contracts for supermodels and celebrities. So, but I mean, it was too hard to change where I would say, ‘I don't think that we should call the models girls. They're grown women. Can we try to…’ and everyone was like, oh, God, with this one.
[9:57] So having boundaries, having strong boundaries, makes you more prepared for fame, but not just fame, but life in general.
[10:12] I wouldn't categorize boundaries as strong or weak. I would say like functional or dysfunctional.
[12:51] But emotional boundaries are really important, especially with women, because it means that we know what is on our side of the street, as I like to say, and what is on someone else's side of the street.
[14:12] Before I did my whole journey in my own therapy, everything felt personal.
[14:46] The other boundary that we want to talk about, our material boundaries, which is like money, let's say, or how you relate to your things. So do you lend money? I'm going to say don't, I don't care who it is. Just don't do it. Just from a therapeutic point of view, I promise you, it's going bad at some point.
[18:00] [Women] are overgiving, overfunctioning, not talking true, especially if we're mad or upset about something. So those feelings don't just go away just because they're inconvenient. If we don't know how to manage our anger or our disappointment or express it, then it just goes underground. It will still be there.
[19:57] Nobody can be grateful enough when we're giving from a place of need or fear because we're not giving from freedom, like equanimity, actually, or actual love, even if we're being loving.
[23:47] Like the response is one thing, but what you actually do really determines the boundaries. I've seen this quite a bit in my practice where people would meet even if they were dating and they would, you know, spill their whole entire life to someone that they really don't know. And that is a representation of porous boundaries because intimacy is not instant, obviously, and it takes time. So that is a porous emotional boundary.
[25:25] And then the third category of boundaries is healthy boundaries, which means, you know what you think, you also are open to what other people think. You say no. When you mean no, you can say yes. When you mean yes, you're secure in yourself, which is really what it's all about.
[29:34] I've seen this over and over again, the anxiety that can be provoked from the thought of needing to have a boundary request conversation makes.
[34:15] So we're talking about real damage that can happen in your grown up life from unresolved experiences in an earlier part of your life. So in the book, I teach you how to handle this and how to identify when it's happening and what's happening and then how to kind of talk yourself out of it. [...] So if you find yourself in that situation, you can even bring to mind a situation if you're like, wow, I had the weirdest reaction to this person. So you think about that person and you say, who does this person remind me of?
[36:08] What you need to know is how do I apply it to my life so that I can lessen my own suffering and increase my own joy, productivity, whatever it is you want to increase.
[40:17] You have the right to say no or yes to others without feeling guilty. You have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, or change your mind. You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs. You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings. If you so choose, you have the right to voice your opinion. Even if others disagree, you have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care. You have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life. You have the right to communicate your boundaries, limits, and deal breakers. You have the right to prioritize your self care without feeling selfish and you have the right to talk truth, be seen, and live free.
Thank you for joining us on Health Gig. We loved having you with us. We hope you'll tune in again next week. In the meantime, be sure to like and subscribe to this podcast, and follow us on healthgigpod.com.

"[Therapy] became this luxury and this pathway to creating a life that I wanted that I didn't have." - Terri Cole
"A lot of times you can look like you have 'strong boundaries,' but really, you are like a boundary bully, right? And that is a disordered boundary style as well." - Terri Cole
"Emotional boundaries are really important, especially with women, because it means that we know what is on our side of the street, as I like to say, and what is on someone else's side of the street." - Terri Cole

Keywords

#Boundaries #SelfHelp #Awareness #Response #Therapy #BillOfRights #InnerChild #Gratitude #EmotionalReactions #Wellness #HealthGig #TriciaReillyKoch #DoroBushKoch

PodcastadminJune 2, 2021Boundaries, SelfHelp, Awareness, Response, Therapy, BillOfRights, InnerChild, Gratitude, EmotionalReactions, Wellness, HealthGig, TriciaReillyKoch, DoroBushKoch